You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
