I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
