I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
