Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
