I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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