my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck