Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
a search helicopter?!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?