I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver