Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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