Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
