I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
