...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
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I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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