i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
