He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
