so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
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let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
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Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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