So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
