Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
