she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
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I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
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Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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