STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
