May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
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Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
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Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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