do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
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I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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