he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
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The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
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Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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