chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
