is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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