I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize