wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
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I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.