you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake