I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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