At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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