Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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