"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
