1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
oh god the rape fog is back!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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