The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
