Soap is not a condiment
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
