My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
