My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
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she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
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I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not