this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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