I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
