i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I need a burrito and a hug.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol