My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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