The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
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I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
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If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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