I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Non-Jews are for practice
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
