If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
