Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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