Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic