I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.