I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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