... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
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apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize