just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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