We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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