he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
