I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
