I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we made out on top of his cat.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
